![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Jun. 1st, 2001
(no subject)
Jun. 1st, 2001 08:18 pmso this morning i typed in this lovely journal entry about how i woke up late, an josh kept me up late last night, discussing this lovely lady, and then.. poof. when i log on tonihgt, it is gone. where did it go? that's irritating. oh, and yeah, it was about how i didn't know about typical relationship boundaries (like how to approach someone, etc) because most of my relationships have been started atypically - like online or by meeting people at larps. okay then... sucks tht that just disappeared - and only three lines of it showed up, which is just plain irritating.
so my aunt and uncle didn't wind up coming - i could have had time to go to the movie, but my roommate was on the phone so i didn't get the news early enough - and i'd rathr gow ith josh and miss jen anyway.
no commitment, huh? warnings.. i remember warnings. warning dreams about jenna taking tracie away from me as a reminder not to care too deeply about her, because she theoretically didn't believe in love. the time was lovely, even if it didn't last. maybe it was more lovely becuse it didn't last! i still love her, but know thatit will never work out. she is happy with her current boy, and we are good friends - at least we have that. for a while, we didn't talk at all. we left badly - couldn't stand to be near her, with her looking so lovely, and being so much herself.
i've wanted a woman for awhile - once that need was awakened in me, there was no putting it away. it's been awhile now, so i can put it on the back shelf, but i still want.
and then, with tracie, i realized how much fun it was to have a third person. sure, it had it's downfalls, but everything has the bad with the good. so now, that need has been awakened in me as well, and everyone comes under that view.. is it possible? perhaps they come under that view *too* much..
i don't just want a girl for that. i would love to have a good girl friend, again. it's been so long.. just to have someone to hang out with.
but i want someone long-term. i want someone who is willing to try to make it work, to commit. i know everyone has their scars, their open wounds, their issues.. I don't care! I will love you even with them. and when it all gets to be too much, you'll have a shoulder to lean on, or i'll go awa if it's what you truly need.
don't you *want* someone to be there for you? i understand the importance of independance, now. and i don't want to take that away from you. i don't want it taken away from me, either. but i do want a soft warm cuddly body. someone who i know loves me, or cares for me, and will be there for me. someone i can be there for.
i don't remember when or where, but i remember hearing/reading - when looking for a new relationhip, don't think about what you want - think about what you can offer to them. and i thought about that, when i was in chapel hill, and realized that I couldn't really offer anyone anything. because i didn't have any time to spend with anyone, and barely enough energy for myself.
but now.. i am scarred and wounded, too, but i am healing. i have love, and cuddling, and lots of things to offer people. i don't have a perfect body by any means, but i am working on having a better one. so here i am. don't you want to try me?
I deserve someone who loves me. i deserve someone who is willing to consider spending time with me. (and yes, i already have my josh, and maybe this is selfish, but so be it.)
so there. (sticks tongue out)
so my aunt and uncle didn't wind up coming - i could have had time to go to the movie, but my roommate was on the phone so i didn't get the news early enough - and i'd rathr gow ith josh and miss jen anyway.
no commitment, huh? warnings.. i remember warnings. warning dreams about jenna taking tracie away from me as a reminder not to care too deeply about her, because she theoretically didn't believe in love. the time was lovely, even if it didn't last. maybe it was more lovely becuse it didn't last! i still love her, but know thatit will never work out. she is happy with her current boy, and we are good friends - at least we have that. for a while, we didn't talk at all. we left badly - couldn't stand to be near her, with her looking so lovely, and being so much herself.
i've wanted a woman for awhile - once that need was awakened in me, there was no putting it away. it's been awhile now, so i can put it on the back shelf, but i still want.
and then, with tracie, i realized how much fun it was to have a third person. sure, it had it's downfalls, but everything has the bad with the good. so now, that need has been awakened in me as well, and everyone comes under that view.. is it possible? perhaps they come under that view *too* much..
i don't just want a girl for that. i would love to have a good girl friend, again. it's been so long.. just to have someone to hang out with.
but i want someone long-term. i want someone who is willing to try to make it work, to commit. i know everyone has their scars, their open wounds, their issues.. I don't care! I will love you even with them. and when it all gets to be too much, you'll have a shoulder to lean on, or i'll go awa if it's what you truly need.
don't you *want* someone to be there for you? i understand the importance of independance, now. and i don't want to take that away from you. i don't want it taken away from me, either. but i do want a soft warm cuddly body. someone who i know loves me, or cares for me, and will be there for me. someone i can be there for.
i don't remember when or where, but i remember hearing/reading - when looking for a new relationhip, don't think about what you want - think about what you can offer to them. and i thought about that, when i was in chapel hill, and realized that I couldn't really offer anyone anything. because i didn't have any time to spend with anyone, and barely enough energy for myself.
but now.. i am scarred and wounded, too, but i am healing. i have love, and cuddling, and lots of things to offer people. i don't have a perfect body by any means, but i am working on having a better one. so here i am. don't you want to try me?
I deserve someone who loves me. i deserve someone who is willing to consider spending time with me. (and yes, i already have my josh, and maybe this is selfish, but so be it.)
so there. (sticks tongue out)
(no subject)
Jun. 1st, 2001 09:01 pmack.
it was just brought to my attention that josh was supposed to be a fling.
the gods laugh.
it was just brought to my attention that josh was supposed to be a fling.
the gods laugh.
(no subject)
Jun. 1st, 2001 10:57 pmah-ha. :) once again, talking with my josh has helped me resolve and refine what i ws thinking. i love him for that.
commitment to me is different than others might define it. since i'm poly, i don't mind sharing, and i don't mind them having other relationships, either. so in discussing this with my josh, it was decided that what i really want is someonw who is willing to be honest with me, and at least willing to stay open to the option of long-term. and if they are going to run away, they have the decency to tell me before they do so.
so there. I feel much better now.
on a different note, i got the fabric cut out for my mock-up (test) cute little pink jumper. i plan on putting it together tomorrow evening, after work. we will see how it works - t is looking like it may fit without me adding anything to it, but i have the extra there just in case i need it.
tomorrow night is another opening nght party, and sunday night is dinner, hosted by otsl in honor of opening. monday night is the picnic, also up at otsl, which rocks, becuse i can leav whnever i want. :) i like that freedom, and without a car, of we go anywhere i don't have it.
off to bed to get sleep.
commitment to me is different than others might define it. since i'm poly, i don't mind sharing, and i don't mind them having other relationships, either. so in discussing this with my josh, it was decided that what i really want is someonw who is willing to be honest with me, and at least willing to stay open to the option of long-term. and if they are going to run away, they have the decency to tell me before they do so.
so there. I feel much better now.
on a different note, i got the fabric cut out for my mock-up (test) cute little pink jumper. i plan on putting it together tomorrow evening, after work. we will see how it works - t is looking like it may fit without me adding anything to it, but i have the extra there just in case i need it.
tomorrow night is another opening nght party, and sunday night is dinner, hosted by otsl in honor of opening. monday night is the picnic, also up at otsl, which rocks, becuse i can leav whnever i want. :) i like that freedom, and without a car, of we go anywhere i don't have it.
off to bed to get sleep.