(no subject)

[needlegrrl]

more memories/other peoples journal
Asimbonanga
We have not seen her...
Bonang' udadewethu thina
We have not seen our sister
Laph' ekhona
in the place where she is...
La wafela khona
in the place where she died...

Asimbonanga
We have not seen him...
Bonang' umfowethu thina
We have not seen our brother
Laph' ekhona
in the place where he is...
La wafela khona
in the place where he died...

Awu ngithi hey wena
Oh I say hey you...
Hey wena nawe
hey you and you as well
Sizofika nini la' siyakhona
When will we arrive at our true destination?

current music: Johnny Clegg

You must begin by knowing that you have already arrived.
"When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen -- there will be something to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly." - Richard Bach

"I'm an atheist and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for other people."
-- Katherine Hepburn

I guess in the end, what bothers is a rhetoric of unconditionality (accepting a person as a whole, which also means laying claim to a person as a whole) while outright rejecting, or treating very differentially all the different spheres in which a whole person -very basic point of multiplicity of identities) moves.
Granted one cannot expect 'ideal' behaviour from another (this after all wuld be just as wrong and onesided, witht he exceptino of motivations and willingness/readiness to trade acceptance).
It is just odd though how it always comes down to categories: arbitrary, inherently meaningless, utterly constructed, and wielding the fiercest, most fanatical loyalties.
For the "ideal"
The what?
The ideal.
Which is?
.......

ready-made thought
add water and serve
silence
(skiadaimonos)

BUFFY: He wants forgiveness.
GILES: Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people they act out exactly what happened that night, so instead he's experiencing a form of purgatory. He's doomed to kill his Miss Newman over and over again -- and forgiveness is impossible.
BUFFY: Good. He doesn't deserve it.
GILES: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.

(Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "I Only Have Eyes For You")

And so it goes
"Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown."

(T.S. Eliot)

bellequeer


bellequeer: la's gender manifesto



i'm not looking for the femininity of long hair and long nails and short skirts and red lipstick that "femme" tends to imply. i'm not looking to always have my drinks bought for me, or the door always held open. i'm not looking to have a butch compliment my femmeness. because while butch and femme do compliment each other, it's not a necessary compliment. a femme isn't defined by a butch, and vice versa.

a woman is still a woman when she's not with a man. we've proved that. then why isn't a femme queer without partner? we've taken certain characteristics and called some "straight" and some "queer." but that doesn't account for those of us whose presentation is educated rather than ingrained. by limiting your definition of who is queer by what they look like you limit your perspective on the entire queer identity. what's queer is stepping outside of what history's told is right--that a dominant masculine man should marry a submissive feminine woman. what's queer is finding your own power in who you are, and embracing it.

i'm a bellefemme, a femmequeer, a bellequeer. i like short skirts and tight tanks as much as jeans and a wife-beater (excuse me, a-shirt). what matters to me is that i'm comfortable in my skin, in my clothes. i want my body to be my playground, not my battleground. i like the idea of finding myself attractive, beautiful, despite what society has taught is conventional beauty. part of my identity is how i look, that's the belle. part of my identity is how fit on the gender spectrum, that's the femme. part of my identity is how i really slip and slide on that spectrum, that's the queer.

i like to light other people's cigarettes, i prefer having mine lit for me. i like to wear high heels and skirts, and sit with my legs spread wide, comfortably. i like to treat people to drinks, i like having dinner bought for me. i like chivalry, but i like being chivalrous too. i'm a princess who wants a prince, but i'm not a damsel in distress.

i don't want to pass in public, i don't want to exist in nonqueer space. i want people to see me and say "she fucks girls." i want them to say "she fucks with gender," too. i want to strap it on, and suck silicone cock. i want to be strong.

i hate that femme implies soft, butch implies strong. my skin is soft, my curves are soft, but my personality, my mind, my power is strong. i don't want to be called weak anymore.

i don't like how femme implies obsessed with personal appearance, weakness, straightness, girliness, giggling, pink, ruffles, sexual passivity or extreme dominance. i don't like how butch implies emotionless, chauvinist, hardness, intelligence, navy blue, manual labor, sexual dominance or strength.

i like genderqueer culture more than butch/femme culture. genderqueers are more open to different sexualities--homoflexiblity, pansexuality, omnisexuality, pomosexuality. because they're fucking with their gender, they fuck with different genders. they don't limit themselves to one biological sex because they understand how arbitrary that is. a pretty face, or a sexy smile is a pretty face or a sexy smile--and if the breasts are bound or pushed up or silicone, if the cock is buyable, bio or tucked in, it doesn't matter. what matters is that people connect. .

i can't fully identify with butch-femme because it excludes attraction to male-bodied people, who are people i won't exclude from my sex life. i've been out since i was fourteen, but only in november of 2001 did i finally get rid of the notion that i would marry a biological man one day and have kids with him. maybe i will, maybe i won't. i don't picture my fairy tale wedding anymore--i don't picture any wedding. i will never fit into butch-femme culture because i do like male-bodied people. i will always be a traitor to that lesbian ideal.

i want to exist in a genderqueer society, the small group that it is. as incestuous, and complicated and difficult as it is, i want to be a voice in it. its a scary want for me. because i'm a gender, a sexuality, a presentation that will always be misread, mistaken and misunderstood. i want to surround myself with people who find gender a method of expressing identity, rather than being trapped by it.

i don't want to be queer because my lover or my companions look queer. i am not just a significant other, friend, family or ally. i am all of those, but before that, i am queer myself. i'm still looking for the words to describe who i am and who i love; i'm still looking for the definitions to those words. What i know for sure is that my gender and my sexuality will always be queer. i fight a double battle--i fight to find recognition in my own community as the pansexual bellefemme queer dyke that i am, and i fight to win rights for us all within greater society.

--
spelling errors? gross grammar issues? intense philosophical problems? critiques? praise? does it make sense?
i think i want to submit this, or some version of this to the camp trans zine, due this saturday. i kind of think it makes sense. but.. you know.. i don't think fusica clashes with pink. (and this is my gender theory.. which is different from my sexuality theory, which is different from my orgasm/sex theory.. they'll come later) i posted this to my regular journal. but felt this fit in here, too. i'm be grateful for any/all feedback! thanks!
(drownophelia)

lightning seeds - pure


look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you


Wings and horns... as requested by mystae


The very easiest way to construct wings (the shortcut way, the way I'm doing it) is to recycle a pair of those cheap butterfly/fairy wings that you can get at Party City. Carefully cut the stitching on the felt "harness," and pay attention to the construction, so that you can reassemble it later... if it was originally assembled with glue, you're out of luck there and will have to make your own harness. After you've removed the harness, you'll want to take the cloth off of the wire frames of the wings. Now, you have wire frames that you can re-bend any way you want to.

Once you've got them in the shape you want, you can stretch nylons over each section of the framework. Usually, for fairly small frames, knee highs will work (Wal Mart usually has the cheapest knee highs in a weird variety of colors... they're in those little plastic containers that look like they came out of a gumball machine). For larger frames, you'll need queen-size pantyhose... try to avoid the ones that say they are super supportive, because they won't be as stretchy... just get the cheapest, plainest ones you can.

When you stretch them over the frame, you want the toe at the wing tip, so when you've got them stretched tight, you can tie a knot in the open end (or stitch it shut... the knot is quicker). Now, you've got two (or four, depending on the wings you are recycling) wing parts.

Next, you'll either reassemble the old harness with the new wing parts, or you'll need to make a new harness, depending on whether you were able to salvage the original. Basically, it's just two pieces of fabric, often felt, that the wings are sewed between. One of the pieces of felt will have elastic or ties to strap on the wings. If you weren't able to salvage the original, it's fairly easy to make a new one.

Now, you have wings on a harness. The center, where all the wing sections attach to the harness, is probably kind of icky. I usually glue silk leaves, flowers, or maribou to that area to hide it.

If you want, you can decorate the wings with glitter, markers, etc. Voila, you have a pair of wings.

If you want to do your own frames, here's a good tutorial.

As for the horns, any type of polymer clay will do. But, there are differences between the brands... Fimo Classic is very durable, but requires a lot of kneading to soften it up... some of the brighter colors are hard as rocks and don't ever seem to get soft enough. Sculpey is much softer, but less durable. There is also Premo and Fimo Soft, which are somewhere in between Fimo Classic and Sculpey. If the horns are fairly short, I'd say go with Sculpey, since it's going to be the easiest to work with. If you want longer horns, you'll need one of the firmer clays. With that, just sculpt them into the shape you want, stick a knitting needle through them to make holes for the lacing, and then bake them with the knitting needle still in there (or the holes will shrink).
(velvetfaery)

BTW, if you're as bad with birthdays as I am, without reminders, go to the LJ birthday page: http://www.livejournal.com/birthdays.bml
(spooble)

Our affection for others is the one thing that is an infinite resource. We can never care too much, or for too many.
--Charles deLint, Spiritwalk

It wasn't a big event, in fact, it was a very minor epiphany -
there is a way. Make peace with it and yourself.

This was different than some self-affirmation type things I've tried or seen in the past, as in "I'm the Greatest" -- it became important to me that I do my best to be positive not only for myself in some sort of navel-gazing, emotional masturbation - but for others...this reinforces the positive nature of it all.


You can fking be happy with life.

Maybe selfish in some ways - I want positive people around me to reinforce me being positive.

People attribute this to my relationship with the most remarkable person I've ever met - but it's not the case. Don't get me wrong, she's improved my life from that point in ways I cannot even begin to describe (although I sometimes try).
But the important factor is that I made the conscious decision to take control of my own life, take responsibility for making myself happy.
This was key…while I wanted and want love and connection as much as anyone - love is delightful, but one MUST be happy in one-self to have any hope for love to work as it should. Asking for love while still allowing yourself to wallow is essentially asking someone to join in your misery, even if you think it’s to raise you from your own. It’s incredibly easier to pull someone down than for them to lift you up.

So anyway…I had made a graphic thingie I considered posting a while back. It was a shot that [Bad username in LJ tag] took of me from a lower angle – I looked like I belonged in a propaganda poster of some sort – but I overlaid the statement:

This man is 30 years old
He has no job.
Too much debt.
Isn’t certain what the future holds.

But is happier than he’s ever been in his entire life.
What’s YOUR problem?
(scotttopic)

Be the Duck
Ok, I blathered about this before. Here goes.
As far as I know, I made this up. I've not read it anywhere in memory.
I proposed it to a friend on one of the Atlanta Gothy lists, and people seemed to like it...in fact, a good while (like a year + ) after I thought about it in so many words, someone used it at me, and I was like "Heeeyyyyy!" I'm so erudite.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picture a duck. It is in a small lake.
The duck has interlocking feathers that are coated with a waxy oil.
When you see a duck preening, it is spreading the oil over its feathers from glands on its body. This oil and the way its feathers fit together make a duck about as watertight as a boat.

The duck floats in the lake...a wave washes over it...the duck doesn't get wet.
Sure, water beads up on its feathers and it looks wet, but its skin never gets wet. The water just rolls off. It's where that expression "Like water off a duck's back" comes from.

Now a storm comes up. Rain pours from the skies.
Thunder roars and the lake gets all choppy.
While the duck may seek some cover for not wanting to be pelted with rain, it still remains dry. Water beads off, and when the rain is over and the surface of the waters settle...it's a dry duck again.

Now some stupid jet skiiers come by, see the duck and decide to screw with it.
So they take a sharp turn, dousing the duck.
Whew, big wave overtakes the duck. It scrabbles out of the way and qvacks...but the water just rolls off.

The duck's hungry? It sees a minnow in some weeds below its webbed feet.
It dives...it does that little tail-up flip...it goes completely under. Comes back up, shakes its head...it's dry, and has a minnow in its belly.

The duck remains dry.

So as it is with you.
The lake is the world...the surface is sometimes rough, just by nature of living and waves of trouble and concern splash over you.
Sometimes, troubles seem to rain down from above, pelting you with pain and fear...
Sometimes people do stupid and cruel things, all but knocking you over as you just try to go about your business.
And sometimes the daily business of just doing what you need to do - eat, sleep, work, breathe - this can be tiresome, frustrating, painful.

But none of these things can really get you wet.
Lest you let them.
But your natural state is dry and bouyant. Remember this.



Scott

Would-be ornithologists please don't waste my time telling me the truth about ducks. My monkey heart couldn't take it.

I stumbled across this site completely by accident. Qvack.
(scottopic)