(no subject)

[needlegrrl]

so, i've spent my afternoon crying.

why? who knows. no, wait, i do. ha.

firstly, it's that time of the month. yeah - the time when I go off cirth control pills for 6 days, and like clockwork, get depressed on the weekend I'm off of them. Unfortunately - I forgot. AGAIN. And thus, it hit me harder than usual.

as to the rest? school shit. I don't want to be here. I think I'ma failure - I'm not good enough. I do everything that I am supposed, I do more than I am supposed to, I'm together, I turn in *EVERYTHING* on time. i do everything right, goddammit. and for what? not to be good enough. FUCK THEM.

so I've been crying - every time I got myself semi under control, someone else would come and talk to me, and I'd start crying again. huzzah. I finally just gave up on lighting, since I haven't really gotten anything done on it today anyway - so much for being productive, and decided to come home. now i just have to hope that josh hurries home, i should call.

i'll be better soon. really.

or i just won't care anymore.

i know, scott, i;m making the decision to be depressed. I'm just not there, yet - I can be fucking sunshine and light all the time.

and i'm ashamed - especially so that I broke in front of others. how fucked up is that? I've been so together this semester asnd last - even when I wasn't together, i was still more together than most of them - and now, i fuck up. well, everyone has limits.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_amaranthe_/]

Awww... there, there.
*hands you a chocolate chip cookie*

They always make ME feel better. ;)

Re:

[needlegrrl]

thank you. :) i'm debating a milkshake. not sure where i could go to get one without it being downtown and icky (it's twilight this weekend, so beware. :) )

Re:

[http://users.livejournal.com/_amaranthe_/]

If all else fails, hit Sonic or Wendy's. Hope you feel better... You're certainly NOT a failure, kiddo.

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

No, it's quite "ok" (not that you needed my approval.

I'm not all sunshine all the time, either.

You're "allowed" to have shitty times - to cry, break down, get mad, etc. --- but reading your journal and when we've talked, etc., I know you're overall a positive person, Josh is damned lucky, as are your friends. There's a difference: I used to be a loser :)

Re:

[needlegrrl]

thank you.. And i probably didn't need your approval, but i did want it- I look up to you, you know. :) is it scary being a role model? (laugh)

Re:

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm suddenly all flustered and confused.

I'm not even very good at being Asian. ;)

[semperfiona]

It's my turn to offer you hugs and comforts.

You are NOT a failure.

Re:

[needlegrrl]

thank you. Thatis something that haunts me more than anything else about chapel hill - that I was a failure there. I don;t fail at too many things, and it hurts when I do - especially when it was something I wanted very very much.

I'm still excited about meeting you, and getting to hang out, though! :)

eeep

[krasota.livejournal.com]

*ack* if i'd read this first, i'd have delayed the other reply. :/

*hugs*

Re: eeep

[needlegrrl]

oh, it's okay. I feel better - I cried some more when josh got home, and then my head tried to explode, so I had some koolaid. I feel a little better, but still *really* *really* emotional. as in, reading the responses to my posts almost set me off again, and I started leaking. (laugh) I *know* I'll feel better soon - I just didn't use to get this depressed. at least I can calculate when it will be, if I can remember! Thank you for all the soy info.

[weirdpixie.livejournal.com]

It sounds like hormones are ravaging you. :\ Try to remember that you are going to freak out a little, let it happen and then be extra gentle with yourself.
*Caution: comiseration story follows*
My first yoga teacher helped me to look at cyclical mood swings as the body's way of communicating with you. I was really frustrated that I couldn't practice with class during menses (There are some vaguely put reasons that most videos, books and teachers will cite to dissuade "active poses" or "inverted postures"). I thought it was stupid and I was willing to try anything for relief from all the tension and spent some time bitching with teacher after class. She calmly explained the need for the body/mind to look inward on a regular basis and asked me how my life was going. I thought for a moment and told her about all of the stress and negativity I had been taking in; I was unsure of my abilities, frustrated, tired...and it was all manifesting through my monthlies. She suggested deeper stretching poses and meditation as a mini-vacation from everyday life.
I'm still not sure how it all clicks biologically, but it does seem that my mind tries to purge at the same time as my body. If I listen to it and care for myself, I can usually quell insecurities for a little while. ;)

[gyre.livejournal.com]

*HuGz*

You know I think you're wonderful and all the pictures you've posted look great. I don't think you're a failure ... but school sure can make you feel that way. Hope you're having fun at dinner.

*HuGz* again